Over the last few weeks, I have started several blogs to you. Or I go for my walk – runs and I think of a dozen things I want to share with you. But as you know it is summer time, so I am finding myself outdoors every night.
However the last couple of days has been cooler. It rained. So I found myself indoors most of the weekend, getting chores done.
As you know, our brother Brian and his family are coming out West for a visit. He arrives the week after next. I am starting to get my house in order. I found myself purging through lots of “stuff”. Hence an emotional weekend finding pictures, letters, cards, music ect.
It is getting late so this is going to be a simple – I just want to let you know that I think of you all the time – blog. Because if I don’t, I know it is going to be another three weeks before I sit down again. I will finish all other blogs – re men, mom and dad, empowerment, mom’s gone wild (well I still need permission for that one) at some stage. But this one is me, just wanting to share a beautiful conversation I had with my daughter tonight.
Jenna and I were out all day – we had a wonderful visit with friends from Holland, got some errands done – and at the end of the day, I said to her, “Let’s go for a walk together.” She asked me to give her 30 minutes so I laid down on the couch. I usually pick something up to read, listen to an audio tape, watch some highlights re news. But I am trying to be more present and mindful with my thoughts. So I laid down in silence.
Karen, I started thinking about you. They were actually very simple thoughts. But emotionally impactful.
I just kept thinking how much I miss you. I could feel myself laughing with you. I actually felt my heart hurting.
In my head I kept thinking how fucked up this must be for you in your head.
Over and over.
So I cried, softly.
I then got up, brushed away my tears and walked over to Jenna’s room. I opened the door and said, “Come on sweetie, let’s go for a walk.”
She looked straight at me and with concern she said, “Oh my gosh mommy were you crying?” I smiled, laughed AND started to cry again and said, “Yes. It’s ok baby. I was just thinking about Auntie Karen.”
Instantly, she flew across her bed, bounced right out and wrapped her arms around me. She didn’t say a word. She just hugged me. It was so beautiful.
As we walked out of the room and she said to me, “Can you imagine if Auntie Karen died of old age ?? If she out lived us all ?”
And then she said so confidently, “I know she will.”
And I responded, “Keep tossing those coins into the wishing well. It never hurts to say a prayer.”
I love you sis,
ps. The other day I was thinking about that night in your hospital room. It was that time when you asked me to read to you “50 Shades of Gray.” You were so wanting to know what this “sex” book was all about. I remember reading to you and at the same time trying to serve you chocolate ice. At one moment I looked at you and your eyes were wide open in excitement….and you had chocolate ice cream running down your face and onto a bib. I looked at you and said, “Good lord, look at us.” We laughed so hard that you spit ice cream all over me. And then we cried and held each other.
Below are just a couple of pics I found today. I had not seen them in years. The three of us at Brian’s wedding and young us hanging out on our porch in Montreal.
Je t’aime ma belle soeur xo